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\n<\/p><\/div>"}. It’s time to condense your list to the 10 or so that you feel the most strongly about. Even if someone seems like a good match on paper, you might not have any real chemistry in person. If you want to stay in the relationship, I'm sure if you think about it and you'll come up with one. Expert Interview. Some of us want romance, others want play. – Both of us to follow through on the projects we start and the seeds we plant, – Private time to myself (for at least a half hour each day), – Someone who doesn’t ask me to be different than I am, but who is willing to tell me how they’d like me to be, – Us to resolve arguments before going to bed, – Us to be responsible for openly communicating all we want each other to know or feel is important, leaving nothing to assumptions, – My partner to recognize (and tell me) when I’ve changed something about my appearance or done something new, – A partner who doesn’t abuse alcohol or drugs, – A mate who I can share my spiritual practice with, – Both of us to attempt to come from a place of love in all that we do, – Both to want to challenge ourselves, in the relationship and in life in general, – Us to set aside quality time for us on a regular basis, for both serious stuff and play, – Kindness in our actions and communications to each other, – Us to have goals of service larger than our relationship, – My partner to contribute to our household income. But, who knows, maybe they’d say, “Look, we’ve never met these kinds of needs before. 3. If not, there is always the option of marital therapy. Before you break up with the person for any perceived slight, consider that you are bound to dislike to some small quirk of your partner. Don't leave anything out, no matter how embarrassing or trivial it seems. Express your appreciation for your partner’s support in this, and your anticipation that this will lead to a more fulfilling relationship for both of you. Okay, fess up—at some point you've had your own magic list, haven't you? Consider such ones as: • Truthfulness • Courtesy • Compassion • Helpfulness • Patience • Responsibility Once you have your list, begin observing words and actions to see if the qualities are truly strengths. When you’re finished, you have your very own Soulmate List. When you are stating what you need in a relationship, your needs shouldn't have to get to the point of them being an ultimatum. Tell her anything else you deem important related to the specifics of your situation. Okay, fess up—at some point you've had your own magic list, haven't you? Since going viral, this content raised some important follow-up questions, one of which I wish to address here. It will set your heart and relationship free. Dating can be completely frustrating to begin with, but it's even harder when you don't know what you're looking for. Often, the problem is something we have to work out in ourselves – perhaps by uncovering, understanding, and deactivating a “button” of ours that our partner is pushing (probably unknowingly). She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University. The relationship goals you want to create in your life focus on fact, not fantasy. When people say, “I don’t know what I want, but when I see it, I’ll know,” they are usually the ones who stick around in a relationship longer than necessary because they weren’t sure of what they wanted from the beginning. Keep up the good habits after the month ends. 4. Gee, I’m not sure you’re going to get your needs met here.” Well, that’s a bit sad, but it’s not your fault and it’s not their fault. For more tips from our co-author, including how to tell your partner what you want in a relationship, read on! It also requires a leap of faith. These small things are what make relationships so wonderful in the first place, and keeping these loving practices alive is key to making a relationship work in the long run. Consider these problem areas as a foundation for what you don’t want in the future. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University. Consider what you would do to develop a basic friendship with anyone: ask about his hobbies, his family, his past, his favorite/worst memories. Finding out what you want in a relationship can be a laborious process, but it's worth it. For example, maybe your sister was devastated after her boyfriend cheated. 9. Are you afraid of getting hurt or hurting them? Rather Than Leave You Guys Guessing, We Took A Poll To Find Out. When you're in a healthy relationship, you want to be with your person. % of people told us that this article helped them. Instead, propose it as an opportunity for the two of you to be closer and more honest – a chance to enhance your relationship. Never have, never will. If you are in a relationship, then you should be old enough to act like an adult whether you are 16 or 60. What do I want in a relationship? Add a One-to-many relationship. Written by Writer’s Corps member Laura Amatruto Being in a relationship has its perks: you always have a designated cuddle buddy and someone to talk to about the Game of Thrones. Make dates purposely centered on conversation rather than intimacy, and bring a list of questions along if you have to. You don't have to fast-forward to \"let's be exclusive\" on the third date like an eager beaver, but you can keep this in mind as you learn about where someone's wants and needs fall on their own relationship meter. For example, if physical health and well-being is an important quality you are asking for in a partner, strive to spend a month focusing wholeheartedly on your own health—eating well, exercising, fighting stress, and getting sleep. What Do Women Really Want From Men In Relationships? Below is a list of needs ideas. You eat a few samples of orange chicken in little paper cups from a woman named Dolores, you meander into the baby section, and then, at some point you’re like, “I don’t know why I even come to Safeway! Now is the time to cut off any ties with other suitors so that you can focus on strengthening the relationship you have with this person and maintain fidelity. Try to remember the people in your life who care for you and likely want to help you. Start Your List With at Least 10 Statements. It will probably be much shorter than the list above. Cultivate your skills, hobbies, etc. In fact, reading Alice's story makes me want to create more lists … You should now have a much better idea of what you’re looking for in a man. If we are resistant to sharing our needs, usually it is because we are afraid we will discover that we are unable or unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, or that they are unwilling or unable to meet ours. Thanks for the article. If you’re one of those ladies, then there’s a good chance you don’t truly understand what makes him want to be in a relationship with you. However, it takes work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a … Companionship, affection, inspiration, support, fun. Recommended Articles : Love Making Tips To Make Your Partner Ask For More. Then, in the spirit of compromise and a willingness to grow, narrow it down (if possible) by determining if any of the items you’ve identified as needs are actually just wants. Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Select the Relationships tab.. It is common for us to subconsciously place blame for our not being happy. The process can really be a gift, no matter what the outcome. If the other person doesn’t pull their own weight and make you feel special and wanted, you should probably go your separate ways. He is a gentleman—good for more than just the first few months. Take the time to show your partner some affection, to make alone time a priority. No judgment here, just honesty. Maybe Safeway is the right store for you, maybe not. But in the end, if you don't have love in a relationship, you really don't have anything. This could make him serial monogamist unless his moon gives him more of a proclivity for being a bit promiscuous. Finally, allow them to make any requests of you to help them get their needs met. And you negotiate your way into what you want/need with your employer. Make time to play together. To start a relationship the first thing will obviously be LOVE. We’ll place some orders and see how that works for you.” None of this clarity would have been possible without your figuring out what your needs are and then sharing them. Take a look at them and see if any resonate with you. If your home caught on fire and all the living beings were safely out, what three items would you choose to rescue? For example, if cleanliness was important for you at the onset, are you going to be able to ignore how your girlfriend piles dishes in the sink for days on end? Honest about your intentions – from the very beginning. The point is, at this time in your life, you won’t. Imagine instead that you were to go into the store, walk over to the customer service counter, and say, “I’m a fun gal, I clean up nicely, and here is what I need.” Then you hand them your shopping list. 11 February 2020. Write out your thoughts on what comprises your perfect relationship – this can be anything, even if you think it is impossible to find in a mate. The good part is that at least you know this is not a store worth wasting your energy in, looking around for a nail gun! There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. Christina Jay, NLP. Sometimes, to get a better understanding of what you want in a relationship, it’s best to inform yourself on what you don’t want. Relationships are of course about compromise, so write down what is REALLY important to you on a fundamental level, in terms of what will make you a better person and help you bring joy to someone else’s life as well. It's always best to end things with someone you've lost interest in, rather than wasting their time. Let us know in the comment section below. Unless one of you is willing to compromise all the time, which is also not healthy for the relationship, you will likely ending up fighting or drifting apart. Healthy relationships are built on compromise. Let’s say you listed “be rich” as a quality you wish for. If you want your relationship to last for the long haul, your S.O should also be your best friend. Examples of personal needs could be: “I need to approve of myself,” “I need to feel like I’m contributing to the world,” or “I need to practice a regimen of self-care.” If you wake up one day, realize you haven’t been doing these things and feel bad about it, you have no business blaming your relationship. If someone seems to become serious, or you start feeling more attracted to one person over another, cut ties with everyone else and follow your instinct. Just consider, if the core needs you’ve identified were all being met, would you still identify “must enjoy playing Monopoly” as a need, or is it merely a want? That’s normal. Most of the time, we are not even aware of the specific unmet need that underlies this, and therefore we can’t do anything constructive to address the root of the matter. Why? As stated above, what it is that you’re looking for in a relationship can change over time, especially once you actually experience what it is that you think you want. 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